Alone-ness, Surrender, and Re-Connecting

I feel … quite different since accessing Matt Kahn’s videos and practicing his exercises. My heart is opening more – I can feel it. There’s always a subtle ache in my chest when my heart undergoes further opening, and I’ve been experiencing that this week. I also always get this sensation of space being opened up inside my entire torso when I’m opening, and that’s been happening as well.

One of the things Matt talks about in his videos is CALLING ON YOUR RESOURCES. You may have to go through your journey by yourself, but you don’t have to do everything alone. In fact, life is going to be pretty hard on you if you try to do it all alone. And that’s what I’ve experienced – things are harder and more depressing and more lonely when I try to do it all alone.

So like Matt prescribes, I’ve begun calling on the universe to intervene and take over when I don’t know how to do something.

And somehow it makes sense? I mean, I’ve been told all my life that God is there to help me, that I’m not alone. But I have never internalized this.

I believe it is because I felt so completely alone after Jamie molested me – I felt totally cut off from the world, but was still acting in it. I had to stay unknown to protect my terrible, guilty, shameful, dirty secret, and because I could not allow anyone to know me, I remained alone. Cut off. Separate. Isolated.

I felt that way – isolated from God – because I could not love myself as (S)He loves me, could not see myself as (S)He sees me. I was cut off from myself, and therefore cut off from the divinity that lives in me as a child of the universe, created by God.

Cut off from who I truly am.

THAT’S why I felt so alone. I’d separated from the energy that created me and loves me so preciously.

And now that I’m reconnecting to the divine in me, so many things I’ve been struggling with and have felt paralyzed in are making sense and softening, loosening up, thawing out.

Like my job search.

I have felt frozen in that for years. I told myself I didn’t know where to look or where to start, so I kept doing the same things I did in the past to find jobs.

And it hasn’t been working. Big surprise.

Why hasn’t it been working? Because I’m different now. My needs are different now. Not just any old job will do anymore. It’s about more than a paycheck, more than insurance benefits now. More than retirement packages or pensions.

And because I have never been in this situation before, have never been this ME that I am now ever before, have never had this re-forged connection with the divine before, the same job search actions I took in the past aren’t going to work this time around.

Can’t do the same old thing to get a different result. That’s the definition of insanity, right?

So I took a page from Matt Kahn’s videos and I have started saying, “I accept that I do not know how to find a new job that is in alignment with my highest good, my highest self. I therefore call upon the Light of the Universe to work through me to accomplish this. And so it is. Thank you.”

And immediately I feel the … tension, the stiffness, the worry, the obsession, the paralysis start to diffuse. I put myself in a new energy alignment, alignment with my soul and what is best for my soul, and then the Universe can step in and help. Because I’ve stopped fighting, stopped resisting, stopped thinking in old loops, stopped using old energy to get somewhere new. And my mind has opened up – I’m more willing now to consider jobs that I haven’t thought of as good fits for me, or even on my radar at all. I’m open to anything as long as it FEELS right, as long as it RESONATES.

I know I will have to do the work – I will need to actively search, but I needn’t have that anxiety that was haunting the situation for me, I needn’t be afraid of settling for something that isn’t aligned with who I am or what I need just because it’s the only thing that jumps out right away.

I think I begin to understand that it doesn’t have to be SO HARD. At least, not all the time. We can create ease in our lives if we align with our highest good, with what the universe wants to give us. It may not always be what we think we want, or what we think we OUGHT to be given, and that’s where surrender comes in.

I’m learning about surrender right now, too, and let me say as a perfectionist control freak, it’s hard to learn about surrender. And yet, it FEELS. SO. GOOD. So the battle is in un-doing all these habits of control, and the thought processes linked to my delusions of control. Because actual surrender feels so good, it can’t be as hard as I’m making it out to be.

Ya know?