Closing A Circle

Starting this post with some wisdom from The Rolling Stones song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want", which is a favorite of mine.

You can’t always get what you want

No, you can’t always get what you want

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes

You find

You get what you need….

I hope you’ll excuse the cliché. I love The Rolling Stones, and like soooo many songs, there’s a certain amount of wisdom in the lyrics.

This post is about closing circles, and getting what you need – even if you don’t want it.

I was molested by the younger son of a family that lived next door to my grandparents. I was 8. I saw my molester every single day for years even after he molested me, and then, around the time I got to 8th grade, he disappeared from my radar.

Not that I missed him, I assure you.

I saw his big brother from time to time, because he was friends with my aunt. And I saw Jamie’s parents at church occasionally. And every time I saw them, I felt like someone punched me in the guts. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if he’d been with them, if I’d had to see him those times as well.

In the intervening decades, I worked *extremely* hard to heal from what Jamie did to me. I had to dig through a shit-ton of emotional darkness, spiritual darkness, and some physical darkness. Trauma always affects the whole being, never on just one plane of existence.

Luckily, I was able to do this healing work without seeing him, without knowing where he was or what he was up to. I think that was a blessing, because to be honest, the healing process was quite painful enough without his presence. My heart goes out to those who must face their abusers every single day of their lives. It must be excruciating on a level I don’t want to contemplate.

Through the years, I wondered about Jamie, I thought about him – did he remember me? Did he know what he did? Did he remember it the way I did? Did anyone hurt him the way he hurt me? Was he even fucking SORRY? Did he have THE VAGUEST CONCEPTION UNDER GOD WHAT HE’D DONE TO ME????

I wrote a couple of letters to him during the course of my healing journey, as therapeutic tools. They helped some. I suggest that as a therapeutic tool to anyone suffering pain from something someone else did to them.

Through it all, though, I never expected to see Jamie again, and I was 100% ok with that. I’d worked hard to heal the wounds that he caused, and also to heal the wounds that I inflicted upon myself when I was just trying to survive the darkness that he started in my life.

But the Universe had different plans.

At the end of June this year, I was home one Friday night with my little dog, Mabel. We’d been watching TV. My aunt, who is my roommate (we live in my grandparents’ house), had gone to bed because her back was hurting her. So Mabel and I were curled up on the couch vegetating.

Out of nowhere, the doorbell went off. I caught a glimpse of someone standing on the porch – just enough to know it was a man in a red t-shirt, dark-skinned like maybe Latino. I figured it was someone selling something, as our neighborhood gets a lot of that.

I opened the door and looked into the man’s face. And slowly, the blood in my veins turned into a prickly, vibrating, ice-cold sludge even as my heart started racing.

It was Jamie.

I recognized his face even though the years had not been kind and he didn’t seem to be taking very good care of himself. His face was lined prematurely – he looked much older than I knew his age to be. He was overweight and appeared bloated, swollen in some areas.

He looked into my face and asked if my aunt was home. I told him she was sick in bed, did he want to leave a message?

Now, there was absolutely no reason for Jamie to ask for my aunt. HE was never friends with her because she was older than he was growing up. She never had the relationship with him that she had with his older brother.

Anyway, he said there was no message, that he might stop by again some other time.

I nodded, totally mute. I was unable to speak further.

And he had absolutely no idea who I was. There was no spark of recognition anywhere in his face when he saw me, which struck me as surreal.

Here’s the person who single-handedly changed my entire life and caused me immeasurable pain.

Here’s the person who single-handedly haunted me the last 32 years.

And he had no idea who I was.

How could that BE?

I closed and locked the door. I simultaneously felt nothing and everything. I was shaking. I sat on the edge of the couch only because I was afraid my knees were going to buckle. I couldn’t relax, couldn’t even sit back on the couch. I decided to take the dog outside – I felt this overwhelming need to be outside.

It was twilight. And as soon as I got into the fresh air of the backyard, I began to weep. In outrage, in shock, in anger – WHY!?!

Why would you do that to me, Goddamn you, Universe!?!?!

Why would you bring that bastard into my life, why would you bring him within 2 feet of me after 32 fucking years!!?!

After what he did to me – why!?!?!

I never wanted to see him again! You should KNOW THAT!!?!?

HOW DARE YOU!!??!

I felt so insulted – how could he NOT KNOW ME?

How could you come here after all this time, all this agony, all this work, all this hard-won transformation I’ve been through AND NOT HAVE ANY CLUE WHO YOU WERE TALKING TO?

I wept for a while and then … calm began to steal through my body.

I still felt … upset. I felt rumpled up in my mind, sucker-punched, or like someone yanked the rug out from under me.

Struggling to make sense of this, I asked – why? What possible point could there be, what reason?

I talked to some trusted friends and family about it; over the course of the next week, I had some important realizations.

The reason I was brought face to face with Jamie after all this time was to close the circle.

I needed it, even if I didn’t want it.

I needed to realize that I’d been carrying him and everything associated with him around in a sack on my back for the last several years, even in spite of all the healing work I’d done. I needed to finally set that sack down on the side of the road and walk away from it.

Forever.

The Universe gave me that chance for release.

I realized that it didn’t matter whether he remembered or not. He had no hold over me anymore. The past was released, I’d done the work on my end and his end didn’t even matter in my journey. Whatever his life was, whatever he was struggling with – that was on him.

I realized that my life wasn’t defined by him or his actions – or even the repercussions of his actions – any longer.

I realized I’d taken myself back from him a long time ago, but I’d kept carrying him around as well – because it was a habit. Carrying him around was so familiar it was like an unconscious habit. Something I did without thinking, like breathing or blinking.

The Universe sent me his presence again, the shock of it, to help me see that and to help me to finally set him down. To walk away. Under my own power.

I realized it was easier to finally let go and forgive him, and I do forgive him. The people closest to me still hate his ever-fucking guts and quite honestly I bless them for it. Because I know it means they love me. But I don’t wish Jamie any harm for my own part. If I did, that would be evidence that he still had a hold on me, on my life, on my spirit. I don’t have to understand him or like him. I can love his soul as a part of God even if I don’t EVER want to see him again. I can pray that he turns his life around, that he awakens to the truth of his being - and I can leave it there.

I can leave him by the side of the road. I sure as hell don’t have to help him.

It’s enough.

It’s done.

So the point of this entry is that sometimes the Universe will shock the hell out of us, will give us something that initially feels like an insult or punishment.

But it never is. Whatever is sent to us, whether we want it or not, is sent to us because we NEED it. We need it for the further evolution of our souls.

I got what I needed.

And it’s done.

And you know what?

I’m grateful.